Self-sacrificial Relationships

As a friend updated me on her and her husband's journey of becoming foster parents and as I reflect on the role of husband I am preparing to take on, I was struck by this thought:

Sometimes I wish Adam and Eve had simply obeyed God; everything would be hunky-dory. The cross wouldn't have been necessary, and relationships would not require such personal sacrifice. Yet there is something painfully sweet about stepping out of control into the self-sacrifice of loving others more than I love myself.

When Adam and Eve sinned, God didn't say, "Oops, time for plan B." Self-sacrificial love is the way He wanted to reveal His heart to us. Through the same, He invites us to reveal His heart to each other.

Lent vs. Distractions

My pastor explained Lent as letting go of good things to embrace pursuits that are more important. It is about turning our affection to the Lord. I reflected on what would be beneficial to give up and how I could replace it with something of greater value.

I have come to realize that the way I use my lunch break probably impacts my day more than I realize. I want to use it in a new way and see what the Lord does with it. Working from home gives me great freedom, and I typically use lunch in one of two ways. I either plow ahead or distract myself. I keep working, sandwich in hand, or I seek distraction and entertainment by turning on the TV or watching youtube videos. Plowing through refuses me an opportunity to take a break (which I am not good at doing anyway). Ironically, seeking entertainment also robs me of rest. It puts something else in front of me and keeps my mind occupied and distracted—but still busy.

For the 40 days of Lent, I am choosing to do neither. I deeply long to know the Lord intimately and walk through my days with continual awareness of His presence, the larger story of the Kingdom and my part in that story. Throughout Lent, I will create space for God in the middle of my day. I have no objectives to accomplish or activities in which to engage. I will simply eat in silence, seeking to be fully present in the moment. I open my heart to the reality that I am not alone at any point throughout the day. He is here. And I am here with Him. My hope is that this use of my lunch break will give me space to rest and help me stay grounded in God’s presence throughout the day.

Baptizing A Computer: Not Recommended

Satan was on the prowl this weekend, and God was at work. My faith grew. Eventually. 

I spilled water on my laptop Saturday, and it shorted out. I sought advice from my dad and brother, both computer experts. I decided to take the laptop apart to the extent that I know how, put a fan on it and see if it would dry by Monday morning.

Internally, I did not handle it well. I am grieved by my distrustful response of anxiety, anger and fear. I bought this laptop in May and was angry about the possibility of having to replace or repair it. I was anxious about the time lost on my project. (Saturday was a work day for me . . . well, it was supposed to be.) I was fearful about the potential cost of repairing or replacing the computer.

At church Sunday, the Lord convicted me of my distrust and drew me back into the Larger Story. He reminded me of how small such obstacles are to a mighty God. I have experienced His provision in far more dire circumstances than this. He provided in surprising ways when I faced tremendous financial challenges raising support for a campus ministry job and when a series of circumstances forced me to buy three cars within two years with no expendable income. My Father is clearly bigger than this small obstacle.

I also see how He used this laptop debacle to force me to take care of myself. I was too tired or too busy to go to the gym for the past week, and I went Saturday. I couldn’t do my work, so I might as well accomplish something, right? In truth, that exercise was something I needed. Similarly, it gave me the freedom to turn off my overactive mind. I lacked opportunity to work, so I was free not to think about the project all weekend. Once I realized that, I moved on to other things.

Why did I choose to worry Saturday? Even if the worst happened, and I had to buy a new laptop Monday, that would not have created a financial crisis. (This is the first time in five years I can say that.) Sure, I would have lost my photos, but I have all other docs stored on Dropbox. And I can make up the time I would have worked Saturday. Really, what was my reaction about?

I want control of my life, and God used Satan’s attack this weekend to remind me that I don’t have it. Saturday, I responded like a defiant two-year-old. Sunday, I received my Father’s loving correction. My desire for peace and security will never be fulfilled by gaining control of my life. It can only be satisfied by resting in the arms of my Father who loves me and is more than able to redeem obstacles and trials for my good and His glory. This is where I chose to live Sunday.

Discerning God’s Will (part 2)

A couple of posts ago, I told the first of two stories that illustrate some important things I have learned about discerning God’s will. This is the second story. I’ll post again a third time to explain my view of God’s will and how we make decisions as believers.

Story #2: Engineering, Youth Ministry, or the FBI?

Summer began, and I had it all. A recently acquired master’s degree. A full-time consulting job that paid very, very well and a part-time job I enjoyed on the weekends. A church plant that I loved and friends I enjoyed. A spacious rental house and a roommate who was easy to live with. A gym five minutes from the house and Stone Mountain Park ten minutes away. By the end of August, I had . . . well, I still had my friends and my master’s degree, and SMP was still open.

After nearly half the church members moved out of state, the church plant dissolved in June. In July, I lost both jobs in the same week. In August, my landlord called to inform me that he had sold the house. I had a month to vacate. Even my gym closed the next week. I no longer had any financial ties or commitments in Atlanta.

Finding no jobs that fit me in the Atlanta area, I began to accept that I would soon leave a city I loved. Really, Lord? Am I this hardheaded? Some people need a two-by-four upside the head to get the point across. Did I really require this four-by-four?

As quickly as my stability had crumbled, three new job options arose in different states. A pastor from my hometown had offered me a youth pastor position earlier in the year. I called him, and the job was still available. I had led a retreat for the youth group in June, so I already knew the teens. I drove to MS to interview, and they offered me the job.

My boss at the consulting firm gave me a lead on an industrial engineering job in South Carolina. I would have full charge of redesigning this company’s distribution center—any industrial engineer’s dream—and a very nice starting salary. They narrowed it down to a 20-year veteran in the field and me, a young guy with a year-and-a-half experience. They offered me the job.

Then on family vacation, my dad met an FBI agent on the beach. When the agent heard about my situation, he said the FBI was looking for people my age with my background in psychology. When I met him, he gave me his contact info and offered to be a resource if I needed help during the application process.

In three months, I went from having my life neatly ordered to having no long-term stability to choosing from three dizzyingly diverse job options: youth ministry in MS, engineering in SC and potentially heading to Quantico, VA to become an FBI agent.

How does one make such a decision? Of course, I wanted to know God’s will, so I listened for all the ways He normally speaks to me. I spent much time in the Word and in prayer and sought wisdom from trusted friends and family. Yet in all three of those ways of discerning God’s will, I found many benefits and few drawbacks to every job option. The next few weeks, God refused to make His will clear to me. My anxiety about having no job or prospects turned into anxiety about discerning the right job to accept. I genuinely wanted to obey God, so why wouldn’t He show me what to do?

Eventually, a friend asked me what I wanted to do. For the first time, I considered the possibility that God was handing me three good options from which to choose, willing to bless me and use me to grow His kingdom in whichever career direction I chose. Reflecting on this, I realized God was confronting my tendency to use Him as a crutch to avoid responsibility. Submission to God's will is a good thing. But I wanted Him to tell me what to do, so I would have to own neither the responsibility for making a decision nor the results of that decision.

What did I want? Part-time youth ministry in a small town? Financial security as an engineer? The ability to carry a gun, run polygraphs and tell the ladies (in a deep, manly voice), “I’m an FBI agent.”? The choice was mine. I owned the responsibility, made my decision and never looked back. God’s refusal to be my crutch forced me to grow as a man and as an adult.

When you seek God’s will, what motivations do you find in your heart beyond the good and sincere desire to obey Him? (You might discern this by considering what you worry about when faced with a decision.)